..listen to these words, read my thoughts..

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

yesterday.......

i stayed in school wasting my time away, playing daidi. you called me after watching that soccer match. you said you wanted to pick me up. my heart was still bruised from all the arguing. still, i relented. you came, i gave you the cold shoulder. we hardly spoke. i was somewhat grateful to feel the wind on my face while i sat at the back of of your bike. it kept the tears from spilling out. i refused to lose my composure. didn't want to break down in front of you.

we reached the carpark. i walked two steps in front of you, my eyes on the ground. silence....... we reached home. i showered, changed and turned on the tv in my room. you showered, then sat on the bed watching tv with me. "so you think you can dance?" was on. you made one or two comments, i just noded in response. my tummy was grumbling. i went to the hall looking for food. mum didn't cook dinner. she offered me the filet-o-fish that she bought but never ate. well, it was better than nothing. thought i'd cook maggi mee later if i still felt hungry. thought of cooking for you as well. i know how much you love maggi curry noodles.

you were in the living room watching tv there. i offered to share the burger with you. you didn't want any. you don't eat tartar sauce. went back to my room to eat that pathetic burger. i stayed in room all the way. i wondered if you'd come talk to me, ask me what's wrong, why i'm sad... you never came. did you even know i was sad? then i heard the unmistakable sounds of soccer commentary coming from the living room. ahh.. you're watching soccer again. i should have known better....

i threw the blue wrapping away and washed my hands. i went back into my room and for some reason, i happened to see the monkey plush toy. the one that's looks like you. its so cute and adorable. i switched off the lights and reached for the monkey. i crept into a corner of my bed with the light of television guiding me. some natalie cole jazz concert was playing on arts central. she sang a really sad song (can't remember the title). that was it... couldn't hold it back any longer. tears just spilled down my face....

i hugged the monkey and i couldn't stop crying. i kept wishing it was you. coz that's really all i wanted. i remembered looking in its eyes and putting its hands on my cheeks to wipe away my tears. all the while i pretended it was was your hands i felt wiping my tears away. i thought of all the wonderful and tender moments we shared throughout the four and a half years we've been together. i know people change. you and me are no different. but wouldn't it be nice if we could just be together and talk, just the two of us without anyone or anything in between, you know.... like before... more tears spilled.. it was like the floodgates were opened....

i cried for a long time in the dark.. then you opened the door and came in. i wondered, what would you do now that you've seen me cry. would you just ignore me? for a moment, i thought you would...

then, you came to me. put your arms around my shoulders and my head on your shoulder. and you just held me. i cried even harder. in between my sobs i told you everything that made me angry and sad. all the while, you never let go. finally, you whispered " i love you, sayang... i'm so sorry.." and that was all i needed to hear...
that was enough for me to sleep in peace...

~the butterfly S C R E A M E D~
8:32 PM