..listen to these words, read my thoughts..

Monday, June 26, 2006

arrrrghhhh!!!! something's wrong with my computer. it was reset or reformatted or something and all my stuff is gone. my the songs in my itunes are all gone. zero, zip, nada, nothing!! i had 700++ songs in there. say whatever you want but its a lot of songs to me... ***sobs***

i don't know how it happened. i'm like, computer illiterate so don't bother trying to explain all that technical stuff to me either coz i don't get it. man i'm pissed.. now i have to do it all over again but i really don't have the time. bummer....... maybe its a sign for me to get a laptop. i know the stuff i'm using now is ancient but its been working for me all this while. a laptop not that cheap. like i said, i'm not a tech-savvy person so i don't really need a laptop. i would much rather spend on clothes.

speaking of spending, i sure spent quite a lot last week. had dinner with the girls last wednesday at pasta mania cineleisure. we were talking about school, life and stuff. gave zy her bday gift. babe if you're reading this, that handphone charm is made with genuine swarovski crystals. it even comes complete with a guarantee certificate. anyway, ian bought for me a guess bag. my very first guess bag!! that's like a milestone for me coz i've never had a guess bag before. in fact, up till then watches were the only thing i had from guess. so that guess bag is really precious to me. i was eyeing the clutch coz it was on sale. he actually bought a bigger bag instead so i could bring to school. and i love it!! then on saturday we shopped around some more. nothing like a dose of retail therapy to indulge yourself in.

now i'm looking for a polo tee for him. i think the best place to get it is online. maybe from abercrombie, old navy or ralph lauren? they're the only nice ones i've found so far in his size. its my turn to spoil him now.... hehe! oh! and maybe this saturday the girls and i are heading to the beach. and i'm gonna cut my hair.. add a few layers, bangs and a splash of colour. something dark like auburn or chocolate. i know, i know... i've been saying i'll get a new hairstyle since beginning of the year and haven't gotten around to doing it yet. the more i wait, the more its gonna cost me...

~the butterfly S C R E A M E D~
9:24 PM

Saturday, June 17, 2006

my family's off on vacation in cameron highlands and kl. they left on wednesday nite. part of wished that i went with them but i'm glad i stayed. its a good opportunity for me and ian to have some alone time. things are looking good at the moment. he took five days off just to keep me company. since we're a bit short at the moment, it gave us an excuse to stay home. he still surprises me after all this while. he really is capable of doing a lot of things if he set his mind to it. he helped me with some house work today. how nice of him.. i'm so proud...

zy's birthday just passed. can't wait to meet her and the girls on monday. its been so long since i last met them. i did manage to get her a gift. hope she likes it. been sleeping later than usual this week. its the term break, what do you expect? sleep late, wake up even later.. anyway, world cup matches kept me awake even though i don't really pay much attention. i still think all the hype is kind of overrated. then again, don't question what you don't understand. i actually learned that from watching a cartoon. hah!

the weekend is here!! what to do, what to do? hmm... no idea. i'm sure ian will think of something.

*yawn*.......

ok, that's my que.. good nite people... wait, its 2.30am.. so its good morning?....

~the butterfly S C R E A M E D~
2:03 AM

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

yesterday.......

i stayed in school wasting my time away, playing daidi. you called me after watching that soccer match. you said you wanted to pick me up. my heart was still bruised from all the arguing. still, i relented. you came, i gave you the cold shoulder. we hardly spoke. i was somewhat grateful to feel the wind on my face while i sat at the back of of your bike. it kept the tears from spilling out. i refused to lose my composure. didn't want to break down in front of you.

we reached the carpark. i walked two steps in front of you, my eyes on the ground. silence....... we reached home. i showered, changed and turned on the tv in my room. you showered, then sat on the bed watching tv with me. "so you think you can dance?" was on. you made one or two comments, i just noded in response. my tummy was grumbling. i went to the hall looking for food. mum didn't cook dinner. she offered me the filet-o-fish that she bought but never ate. well, it was better than nothing. thought i'd cook maggi mee later if i still felt hungry. thought of cooking for you as well. i know how much you love maggi curry noodles.

you were in the living room watching tv there. i offered to share the burger with you. you didn't want any. you don't eat tartar sauce. went back to my room to eat that pathetic burger. i stayed in room all the way. i wondered if you'd come talk to me, ask me what's wrong, why i'm sad... you never came. did you even know i was sad? then i heard the unmistakable sounds of soccer commentary coming from the living room. ahh.. you're watching soccer again. i should have known better....

i threw the blue wrapping away and washed my hands. i went back into my room and for some reason, i happened to see the monkey plush toy. the one that's looks like you. its so cute and adorable. i switched off the lights and reached for the monkey. i crept into a corner of my bed with the light of television guiding me. some natalie cole jazz concert was playing on arts central. she sang a really sad song (can't remember the title). that was it... couldn't hold it back any longer. tears just spilled down my face....

i hugged the monkey and i couldn't stop crying. i kept wishing it was you. coz that's really all i wanted. i remembered looking in its eyes and putting its hands on my cheeks to wipe away my tears. all the while i pretended it was was your hands i felt wiping my tears away. i thought of all the wonderful and tender moments we shared throughout the four and a half years we've been together. i know people change. you and me are no different. but wouldn't it be nice if we could just be together and talk, just the two of us without anyone or anything in between, you know.... like before... more tears spilled.. it was like the floodgates were opened....

i cried for a long time in the dark.. then you opened the door and came in. i wondered, what would you do now that you've seen me cry. would you just ignore me? for a moment, i thought you would...

then, you came to me. put your arms around my shoulders and my head on your shoulder. and you just held me. i cried even harder. in between my sobs i told you everything that made me angry and sad. all the while, you never let go. finally, you whispered " i love you, sayang... i'm so sorry.." and that was all i needed to hear...
that was enough for me to sleep in peace...

~the butterfly S C R E A M E D~
8:32 PM

Monday, June 05, 2006

i'm live my life every day under the same roof with you. time and again, you choose to ignore me. pretend i don't exist. you shut out the sounds of me crying at night even though you're just a step away... sleeping... i pick up everything you throw. i clean up your mess. i tend to your every whim. now i'm sick of doing it.. i thought you'd know better but you just... arrghh!!!!!!!! its so frustrating.. and you say i'm being mean to you.. you say i'm the one treating you badly.. for goodness sake, look around you. i took care of everything and you took it for granted that i'll always do everything for you. i hate being the source of ridicule in front of your friends. i hate being such an "understanding girl" when you don't even try to understand me. i'm a simple girl.. with simple needs. that doesn't mean that i'll just take anything you throw in my face. i have feelings too you know.. maybe if you had paid some attention to me, you would have noticed.. i'm starting to wonder what your priorities are right now.. coz i'm pretty sure i've been dropped from the top of the list.. i refuse to budge from our position right now. you want to keep this up, that's fine with me. my door's not locked so you can always leave... maybe some time off would do us good..

~the butterfly S C R E A M E D~
10:43 AM